I was born in Glendale, California on May 13, 1985. I grew up in an abusive home with my mom & her boyfriend who was always hitting & yelling at her & then she would turn around & take it out on me. There were a few times my mom almost died & a few times I almost died because the violence was so bad. I use to have an over sized toy chest in my closet that I would hide in sometimes so I didn't have to hear all the yelling & screaming. Ironicly I grew up in church because my grandma wouldn't have it any other way but I didn't understand any of it until I was 22. i've only seen my real father maybe 7 times my whole life. I still blame him for a lot of stuff but it's all in the past & i've forgiven him for not being around. I just wish I could have grown up a little bit with my sisters & my brother. Missing out on that really hurts. When I was 6 my mom & I moved out of California to New Mexico (of all places). I hated it (I still do). The screaming & hitting didn't stop right away, if I didn't do something fast enough or exactly the way my mom wanted I would get hit. The state took me away twice so I lived with my aunt because she didn't want me in a foster home. I started acting out when I was 7, starting fires and fighting, so I was sent to a mental hospital. My therapist put me on some medication & told me I couldn't leave untill I started talking and working out my feelings. It took 6 months. After I went home I had to start seeing a counseler & my mom was still hitting me. In the last 2 years I saw my mom go to the mental hospital 7 times to get help but a week or two after she came home the hitting would start again so she sent me to live with my god-mother in California. I was 8. It was only suppose to be for 3 months but it turned into a year. By this time I was scared, confussed, tired & beyond angry. Shortly after I turned 9 I was raped. I honestly don't remember much, it took alot of work & time to block it all out of my mind. A few months later I got to go home & live with my mom again. I didn't know what to think or what to expect. My mom had found out that she has bi poler disorder & it's pretty sevear. She's on 7 diffrent meds & if she dosen't take them everyday she is out of control. My mom had also found Jesus. I had to start going back to church, which I hated & I wasn't allowed to celebrate holloween anymore. I still didn't understand any of it. When I was 11 I was raped a second time By a diffrent guy. (Both of which were family members.) I don't remember much of that time either. When I was 12 My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. Also that year I was kicked out of church, so my mom gave me a choice of staying home or finding a diffrent church, I chose to stay home. The summer when I was 13 I was forced to go to church camp where I started to understand who God is & why it's important to live for him. The school year after that I started having sex because that was the only way for me to get any attention. Being raped leaves emotional scars, being raped more then once obviously leaves you worse off. When I was 14 I started drinking & smoking pot, a lot. & when I was 15 my aunt died & then 5 months later my uncle died which was super hard on me because the last time I saw him we got into a fight & I was never able to talk to him again. I started smoking cigarettes again, cutting myself & poping pills so I could fall asleep & bleed to death. I would put on my Hanson cd's & just cut, I still have scars on my wrist. My aunt was my safe zone, I could go to her for anything & I wouldn't be critisized or put down. She knew how to listen & could understand anything. A few months later I started dating, I got into a lot of trouble with him. About 3 weeks after we started dating I started starving myself because I didn't want to be too fat. I didn't let myself eat anything for 3 years. I barley survived on milk, juice & water. He was awsome until we broke up & I couldn't get away from him because he wanted to stay friends & wouldn't take no for an answer. So we stayed friends for 5 years & we were never apart, Ever. We had started going back to church but it was mostly about hanging out with friends then it was about learning about Jesus. He was my best friend & slowly he was turning into a monster. I put up with a lot of crap for 5 years until one day I stopped & relized that my other friends were right. He's not worth it & he dosn't deserve to be my friend. So I walked away. That year I stopped cutting myself but it took me 2 & 1/2 years to get over him. I drank a lot & I stayed in my dark room all day because I didn't want to be around anybody. When I was 22 my mom sent me to Mexico on a missions trip with my old youth group. I didn't want to go because at that time I didn't like being around people & I didn't really care about God, he had let so many bad things happen to me that I just gave up. So I was in Mexico for a week & it was pretty cool but I still didn't want anything to do with God. The second to the last night we were in service & I was fighting with God in my head because he wanted me to get prayed for but I didn't want to go to the alter. After 15 minutes I went to the alter & I was just standing up against the wall when my youth pastor started praying for me. He was praying for a lot of personal things that I had never told him & at that moment God became real to me. From that moment on i've been living my life for God the best way I know how. I learned later that God was with me my whole life, I chose to ignore him so my life was in the mud. Even if you can't find another human being that can relate to your situation in any way. Jesus has been through it all & he's felt it all so go to him cuz he know's how you feel. I still have hard times but God never said following him would be easy. God says in the bible that following him will be hard at times but it will also have it's rewards. I'm still learning new things, like how to control & deal with my anger & how to get along with my mom. Sometimes I have to bite my lip & it's hard but God has my back & I know that he loves me no matter what I do, say or think. I'm forgiven! I am spotless! I am blameless! Galations 6:9 Do not get tired of doing what is right cuz at the right time & place The Lord will have your reward.